Yep that’s right, the girl who constantly bad-mouths the bloody things has worn tights, for an entire day.
Before you judge me, let me explain myself. My partner has suggested that I give tights a go on more than one occasion. Not because he hates me (I hope), but because he wanted me to really remember what it feels like to wear tights and to really be able to say why I hate them. I usually shut that conversation down with I’M NOT WEARING TIGHTS SO STOP TALKING ABOUT IT THE END SHUT UP, which normally does the trick. On this occasion however, I had thrown a few gin and tonic down my throat and thought “why the heck not?”.
So the very next day, I slipped out of work and wandered down to the nearest pharmacy, where I was faced with this, a wall of tights:
I wasn’t quite sure what to go for, so I just chose the pair that said X-TALL at the top and hoped for the best.
I used to wear tights all the time a few years ago and I remember pulling the damn things up all day long and constantly feeling like a 5 year old kid with a saggy crotch. This issue was usually down to the fact that I have long legs and couldn’t find any brands that were long enough for me, so I was quite impressed to be able to be able to find an extra tall pair that quickly. Well done Australia.
This is what I bought. It claims to be ‘firm slimming’ too, so that sounds promising (right?)… Who needs a girdle when you have RAZZAMATAZZ?!
Have you ever watched a lady putting on stockings? It basically looks like this. Mostly.
That’s not what I looked like this morning, I’m afraid. Are you ready for some really unattractive photos of me putting on tights? Ok, here we go…
The big knickers are on because I did not believe for a second that these tights would tame my belly.
I clearly haven’t put these things on for a few years, I was putting them on like stockings. Which didn’t work out…
Well that was unattractive.
After months and months of not laddering a single pair of stockings, I have managed to put a massive ladder in these tights after wearing them for roughly 20 seconds.
So there we have it, that’s the last of my dignity, gone.
As promised, I wore them all day long and this is what I thought of them…
The legs themselves felt really nice, they were really soft and looked shiny. Nope that’s all I’ve got.
I’m not going to lie, I hated it and I felt really wrong all day. Firstly, I had forgotten about the itch; what is it with tights being itchy?? My thighs, bum, hips and tummy were so itchy all day long! The waist band kept on rolling down and cutting into me which hurt, especially when I was sat at my desk, plus it gave me a muffin top. Firm slimming no dig waist, my arse! I also felt myself slowly transitioning into John Wayne throughout the day due to the saggy crotch, which is annoying because I even bought the X-TALL size! I’m just going to say that I prefer my special area to be free and not locked up in an elasticated web of hell, stockings are a lot more airy in that respect. Obviously.
Honestly, I didn’t feel very sexy at all, I just felt like I was being punished for something I couldn’t remember doing. When I’m at work, I like to sit at my desk with my hand sitting on a suspender clip, I find it reassuring, much like I do when I have my right hand in my bra cupping my left boob. I try not to do this at work too often though (does anyone else do this??). It was honestly quite unnerving not having anything on my thighs and I DIDN’T LIKE IT.
You have to remember, I haven’t gone outside without stockings on my legs, apart from the occasions when I wear trousers, for well over 2 years. I’m not used to this.
As soon as I got home, I decided to make the most out of these darn tights and naturally thought cutting them up was the best solution. So…I made some stockings for myself! I encourage you ALL to get out your tights and cut them into stockings!
If you would like to do this as well, Just put a suspender belt or girdle over your tights (while you’re wearing them), and cut them with your boyfriend’s moustache scissors far enough above the welt to be able to clip your suspension on. Then just clip on your new stockings and Ta-da!
So there you go, I’ve tried tights again and I am 100% sure that I hate them. The end.